So, I have topics in my head that I really want to flesh out in writing. Some of the topics are ones that I do have a strong opinion on at this present time. Some, more or less, I feel like I’m kind of in a middle ground that is a no-mans land and people who see things differently from either side won’t get it. Some, I just want to write about and figure out what I do not know and have an actual conversation about.
But, I’m afraid to write about those things. I’m afraid that I’ll be wrong about the things I feel so sure about now. I’m afraid that I will unnecessarily offend someone or cause negative feelings that I did not intend. I’m afraid I’ll feel stupid for missing some important information that changes how I see things.
So…just to relieve the pressure that is building up in my mind and soul, I’m going to make a list of what I’m NOT writing about right now, but at some point, I really want to.
1) Theology, but specifically Calvinism. I know this has been a centuries long disagreement and I’m sure that I do not have anything to add, but I guess I’m afraid of an impersonal debate stemming from what I write. I’ve seen more than a couple debates become somewhat ugly, and I don’t want that. I also think that there is an enormous amount of misconception about what Calvinism actually is, and I’m not sure that I am qualified to to tackle that, but it needs to be clarified.
I want to write about it, though because understanding God from this perspective has changed so much for me. I see God differently, and because of that, I see my life differently. I make decisions differently. I actually have more freedom, and I want to share that with others. Maybe someday.
2) Parenting topics. I’m avoiding this one because I’m so afraid to be wrong! I mean, I’ve only been a parent for around 4 years (if you count the time I was pregnant). It isn’t like I’ve mastered this by any stretch of the imagination. I don’t think I want to write about parenting topics to give advice, though. Mostly, I would like to write through the struggle.
I might be tempted to decry some more popular opinions in the conservative, Christian community, and I’m afraid if I’m not careful, I could alienate people. And who am I to discount methods or approaches? But, honestly, I feel a resistance welling up inside of me when it comes to the topic of discipline. But again, that is a rather personal decision. If I *ever* write about discipline, I promise to be totally and completely prayed-up as I can be.
3) Other opinions or convictions regarding my faith that could possibly be controversial. I don’t really feel like I fit into the typical conservative Christian woman stereotype. There are things that I don’t even agree with! But, I look the part. In many ways, I’m playing the part to keep peace with people I’m not even sure that I care about, but also with people that I do care about and love deeply.
I’ve come to realize that sometimes, my disagreements are less important than the people in my life. At the same time, every now and again the itch comes. The itch to actually for sure know what I believe about almost everything. I want to cast off the stuff I don’t agree with and just run a little faster with only the weight of what I know to be true.
Change to my thinking is rarely something that I complete quietly. I have to process and conclude and one of the only ways that I conclude is to be forced to say what I believe to an audience.
Physically, I have barely any self control when it comes to itching something that itches. Mentally, I do think that I have more self-control than that, but I wonder, as time goes on and I get older, will the itch become to strong to resist?